The two words you should never say to a deaf/hoh person.
also;
“forget it”
“not important”
“its nothing”
A moment of silence for every time we’ve all been told these things
I am a hearing autistic person with an allistic deaf friend, and neither of us can stand being told that because I have auditory processing issues, meaning my hardware is okay, (ears, ear drum, etc.) but my software is not. (My brain) and the opposite is true for my dear friend Bree. I remember once at a party we were signing with each other (I chose to learn Sign while I was in middle school because I’m semi verbal and also wanted to bridge the communication gap with the deaf/HOH community) and some kid came to talk to us, but due to her being 98% deaf and me having auditory processing issues it took us a minute, and he eventually just went “whatever, forget it.” That was three years ago and both of us could still tell you what color shirt he was wearing. Please don’t do this.
I’ve been told that apparently hearing people sometimes say this to each other, and apparently when it’s among hearing people it’s not a big deal?
But what I wish more people would understand is that, for those of us who are deaf, hard of hearing, or have auditory processing disorder, it IS always a big deal for us when someone says that to us. (I mean, in the context of us asking you to repeat what you said, because we wanted to understand it. In that situation, no, “never mind” or “forget it” etc is NEVER an acceptable response, definitely not when you’re talking to any person who is deaf, hard of hearing, or has auditory processing disorder etc)
See, we get told things like that all the time by people when they’re just trying to avoid having to deal with us. So when you say things like that to us too, it makes it look like you’re doing the same thing.
If you want to show that you’re not just trying to give us the brush off, then please just repeat what you said, or write it down. Even if it was something really trivial or dumb. Because if we’re asking, then we want to know. And we’d rather see for ourselves that it was just a trivial thing and be able to go on from there, than be made to feel like Yet Another person has given us the brush off. Because even if that’s not what you meant by it, that’s how it will always feel for a deaf/HoH/APD person.
Hi! Can I chime in here? This also applies to ADHD! ADHD and APD overlap a lot, but the main issue is that we struggle to concentrate on what people are saying. We’re not trying to ignore you or not listen, we’re actually trying very hard to understand what you’re saying, but… well, to be stereotypical, squirrels.
ADHD also causes something called “Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria” or RSD, which means that we take any perceived failure to be the worst thing in the world. Being brushed off or made to feel bad because we “weren’t paying attention” can be absolutely crushing for our self-esteem. Saying “oh never mind” to someone with ADHD isn’t just rude, it’s incredibly, incredibly painful and can turn a good day into the worst day ever.
Thank you for this valuable addition to the conversation!
“I’ll tell you/explain later” is also a big one, I think. They never do and I want to be IN the conversation, not hear about it later.
Exactly, THIS! I don’t get that one as often as the others either, but yeah – 99 percent of the time they don’t actually explain later anyway, and even on the rare occasion that they do it’s not a substitute.
I didn’t realize I was autistic until a couple of years ago (I’m 30 now) and never understood why people did this to me. I didn’t understand that other people didn’t have problems processing words.
So even before reading this I usually try to slow down and face the person I’m talking to, because that’s what helps me. Now I understand the frustration better and this gives me a better way to explain than “I don’t know I just can’t understand you.”
ALSO, this is a good thing to keep in mind for people who don’t speak English as a first language. English requires different processing and more time to understand than most languages. Never do this to someone who is learning English. If for no other reason than you’re robbing them of a chance to learn. My very first real friend (I was a suuuper strange kid, as I’m sure most of you can relate to) was an exchange student from France when I was in the eighth grade. My years of processing issues and resulting patience are the reason that we became friends when no one else wanted to interact with her.
So yeah. Maybe just don’t do this to anyone?
“Never mind”
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